My Complicated Relationship with Dating Apps

Let me tell you about my complicated relationship with dating apps. I debated titling this post, “My Love-Hate Relationship with Dating Apps,” but when it comes down to it, it’s more like a meh-hate relationship. We all know the ambivalent “meh” feeling where you could take it or leave it.

I say, leave it.

The ruse of infinite options

Often dating apps are advertised as opening the door to a tremendous amount of options that you wouldn’t have had access to otherwise. While this can be true – there are over 7 billion people in the world but only an estimated 50 million of those people use Tinder, and only 40 million Americans report using dating sites. That’s only 27% of young adults in America.

That means that on average only 0.5% of an individual state’s population is on a dating app or website. Let me tell you, that is extremely evident in a small city in Columbus, Ohio. I have seen the same 20 or so guys across three different dating apps, and have matched with the same people that my friends have also matched with. That is definitely not infinite.

But because the way that these apps are set up lead us to believe that there are endless matches to swipe through, it actually sets us up for hardship. An extensive body of research on the psychology of decision-making shows that when we have too many options available to us, we are less satisfied with any one choice. The perceived abundance leads us to worry that we have chosen wrong, and you will continually second-guess if you have chosen wrong. As a result, you pass on many great date opportunities because you believe there to be endless options.

I’ve seen this manifest in many ways. I will swipe away with my index finger – to the left, to the left (thank you, Beyonce), only to notice that the app I’m on will start to show me people I’ve already said no to, or even people that I’ve unmatched because they were rude or inappropriate. They’ll even try to fool you by using a different picture from someone’s profile. And then once the app get tired of doing that, I will be told that there aren’t any more options in my location. Talk about discouraging.

Filling my shopping cart

What really disturbs me about dating apps, is that subconsciously I find myself treating the process like shopping. I’m looking for certain things, and like most people, am attracted to certain qualities or physical attributes. Now, shame on me for this but I tend to always swipe left if I see a gun, a fish, the picture is blurry, or if there is only group pictures and I can’t identify who the person even is. It’s like my own version of filtering through shoes to find the women’s, size nine velvet booties.

And just like shopping, I’ll just use the app because I’m bored. I’ll have some show like 48 Hours on in the background, and I’ll swipe through faces just for entertainment. Or like this past weekend, I’ll re-download the app just so my girlfriends can swipe for me and we can have a good laugh.

Now even worse, I’ll accumulate matches but then never message them. Get tired of the app, and delete it. And I know I’m not the only one because I have dozens of matches that also have never said a word to me (Back to the perceived abundance of options).

Haven’t you people seen Catfish?

This brings me to another phenomenon I’ve seen far too many times. I will have matched with an individual, and then either have a funny feeling because of their photos, or because of something that they will say, and I decide to upload their pictures into a Google Image search.

Then boom, I find out that they’re using someone else’s photos. Like come on dude, do you really think I was going to agree to let you take me on a cruise in the first ten minutes of conversation. Immediate red flag – I’m Google Image searching you so I don’t get kidnapped. Thank u, next.

As a woman, dating apps can be scary. You really don’t know who is behind the phone – and most of the time, when you practice caution, the other party acts completely offended. What’s even scarier, is that over 51% of online daters are already in a relationship. For instance, 30% of Tinder users are married. I’ve found myself in that situation as well, and as someone who has been cheated on — that did not go over well with me.

Treat a girl to dinner first.

Now you’ve matched, the person checks out on your Google search, and they seem alright. But then two different things can potentially happen. One is that they expect you to be available right away, and that you will make your schedule completely flexible to meet with them.

I’m sorry honey, but I have a pre-existing life that includes work, wellness, community involvement, friends and family. Don’t get mad at me because I can’t meet you within the first days or weeks of matching you. I’ve literally had someone un-match and unfriend me because of this. But mind you, as a busy person who doesn’t check their phone much, I would get messages like “wanna meet up for drinks,” followed up thirty minutes later by a “guess not.” And after explaining that I’m busy and have existing obligations they would get angry with me.

The second route, is that immediately they want to go from talking, to inviting you to their home or asking to come to yours – presumably (or because it is explicitly stated) to hook up. Now from time to time, sure. But I got tired of the sheer amount of people who didn’t want to go on a nice, “old-fashioned” date for dinner or drinks just to talk and get a sense for each other’s vibe.

In the universe I trust.

Now I’ve ragged on dating apps for a minute. But I will say that I know many people who have met, and are in successful relationships – even engaged – with someone they met through a dating site. Statistics show that 20% of people in relationships currently in the U.S., met online. I applaud that, and respect anyone’s decision to play the dating game field, but personally I’m on a break for the foreseeable future.

Statistically, your best chances of finding love are through a friend. In fact, 63% of married couples met this way. And despite the current going-out culture we millennials live in, only 9% of women and 2% of men meet their significant others in bars.

So instead, I pledge to continue on my path of self-improvement. In this process I meet people that I truly value, and strengthen the friendships that I already have. And by investing in myself and those relationships, I think karma and the universe will find a way to reward me when its ready.

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What’s The Big Mystery?

Truth-be-told, I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately. And by, “a lot,” I mean that I binged about six seasons in under a month. So, I’m going to have a little Carrie Bradshaw moment here.

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Now, if you didn’t agree with my last post – than me writing this will most definitely make you shift my name into the category of “slut.” Truth-be-told again, I don’t care.

Let’s start with the facts.

• A 2011 study found that about 80% of women fake orgasms at least half the time
• 25% of women fake it 90% of the time
• Women generally orgasm 69% of the time they have sex, compared to 95% for men
• 62% of women are not satisfied with their sex lives
• 30% report pain during intercourse, and a “large proportion” don’t tell their partners

There is an obvious trend, and therefore an obvious problem. There is a plethora of benefits when it comes to sex. Some are incredibly un-obvious. Here’s just a few:

• boosts your immunity
• decreases stress levels
• the release of oxytocin and endorphins increase relaxation, which helps fight pain and depression
• those same feel good hormones lead to feelings of warmth and closeness

So when we talk about gender inequality in the bedroom, we are talking about real benefits that women disproportionately are not able to access.

Now let me throw a real doozy at you.

More than half of men aren’t comfortable discussing gynecological health with their female partners. (Sorry for the heteronormative example) In one study, only half of the men could identify the vagina on a diagram, and two-thirds mixed up the different parts.

Now the article I read was discussing how your partner could potentially be the first person to notice a change that could be a warning of gynecological cancer and other sexual health issues – but I think that this also bodes poorly for women’s sexual satisfaction. Especially because men in the study, aged 18-44 years old, said it was too embarrassing to talk about the vagina. Yet I’d argue over 50% are comfortable sending an unsolicited picture of their private parts – ironic.

People, ladies. Let’s talk about sex.

In my life, I have been lucky enough to have a mother that once said to me – “if you aren’t satisfied, either say something, or leave him.” (You go girl, am I right?) She never made my sexuality negative, and simply allowed for open discussion. I think that that is why I have felt comfortable engaging in discussion with partners. Full disclosure, I have felt the most satisfied in relationships in which my partner and I shared full disclosure about our sexual experiences together. We established boundaries, shared what we liked and what we didn’t, respected the word “no” when something was painful, and prioritized each other’s pleasure. Mine was equally important, and not an afterthought – as it seems it typically is. Nothing is more unattractive than a man who views the bedroom as a race to complete a task for himself. It’s objectifying, boring, and frankly, sad.

“if you aren’t satisfied, either say something, or leave him.”

If you don’t want to take my word for it. Listen to the research:

• in a study of 293 married individuals, it was found that disclosing sexual information was positively linked to relationship satisfaction and closeness
• another found that open sexual communication was a predictor of not only sexual satisfaction, but overall relationship satisfaction

We grow up with this weird myth that communicating about sex is inappropriate, and “un-ladylike.” Think about all the movies and TV shows you’ve seen where it just comes naturally to everyone, and both parties are completely fulfilled. No discussion, just background music and a couple grunts and moans. A Psychology Today article posits that the three biggest myths are: “great sex comes naturally; your partner should know intuitively what you want and like; and good sex must be spontaneous.” I love the analogy that they give following this list as well:

“In reality, more often than not, great sex, much like a great meal, does not just happen—it needs to be carried out with skill, thoughtfulness, and the right mix of selfish abandon and mutual attentiveness. People’s tastes, preferences and values with regard to sex—as with food—differ greatly. You’re better off knowing something about your partner’s tastes before you start cooking.”

Psychology Today

In reality, no one knows what they’re really doing. And all bodies are different. Communication is essential. And ladies – we work just as hard, if not harder than men, we deserve to be just as satisfied.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Ask what someone is and isn’t into before you engage in intercourse.
2. When something hurts, SAY SOMETHING.
3. It’s okay to do some research. Find positions that are comfortable, or techniques you want to try. (boys, I think it’s about time you go look at a diagram of the vagina)
4. Do a recap when you’re finished. Talk about what worked and what didn’t. Give high-fives where needed.
5. It’s okay to need a little help. Use some of your sex tech!
6. Make it fun and flirty, or draw up a PowerPoint – whatever floats your boat.
7. It’s okay to ask about the last time someone was tested, or if they have any Sexually Transmitted Infections. 1 in 8 people in the U.S. have herpes.
8. If someone does have an STD or STI, learn about the risks and what you can do to protect yourself.
9. As always, be vocal about using protection if you need to be.

I would have loved to have a number 10 to make it even, but in 2019 I’m working on letting go of a portion of my perfectionism.

Now, I love Carrie, but I’m going to leave you with a quote from Miranda to send this post home. When in doubt,

“What’s the big mystery? It’s my clitoris, not the sphinx.”

Body Talk

Aren’t shoulders just so sexually suggestive? I mean, I love a good shoulder – they really get me going.

When in the history of ever has anyone said the above? The answer is probably once or twice – to each their own. But the pinnacle of sexual appeal is definitely not shoulders.

So, answer me this: Why, in fourth grade, did the principal take me out of class to tell me that my tank top was “inappropriate?” Mind you, I was also wearing a cardigan over said tank top.

My TEN-year-old mind had far too many questions. But mostly, I was ashamed. Being the nerdy, little goody-two-shoes that I was – I had never gotten in trouble. The principal and I were pals. And for that reason, I also did not question her assertion.

I wasn’t sent home, but I could almost argue that for my self-esteem at that age – that was worse. I sat through class the rest of the day paranoid. Tugging at my sweater to make sure I didn’t have a shoulder slip out. Normally the first person to raise my hand, I held back because I didn’t want to risk jostling my clothing out of place. Really, at that point, I wanted to go home.

The media has been chalk full of stories like this in the past couple of years and the cultural consciousness has seemed to progress to understand that such shaming of young girls is wrong. But we haven’t yet evolved past the over-sexualization of women’s bodies in general.

My wonderful personal trainer shared on her social media the other day that members of her family had repeatedly confronted her regarding what she posts on her social platforms. They were concerned that she was showing too much of her body. Initially I was furious. First, she is studying within the realm health and human kinetics, and she works as a personal trainer. Secondly, her athletic prowess and her strength is a testament to that success. She should be afforded the space to be proud of her body.

When I came in for a training appointment, she told me more about it. Now to my surprise, her family was specifically calling out old pictures from parties early in college. She was frustrated at this, saying that she had been a “stupid little sorority girl.” That broke my heart even more. Outside of the slut shaming, the age old double standard surfaced. The shaming by her family is point blank wrong. In fact, they themselves are objectifying and sexualizing her by making such comments.

But, what broke my heart was that she reduced herself to a very harmful stereotype – a “stupid little sorority girl,” to agree that those photos were inappropriate. I hate that that message has been internalized by so many women – including myself at times. But I argue that that is not the case.

Would we make the same judgements about a photo of young men laughing and holding red solo cups? Yes, we might make some. But we wouldn’t (A) sexualize them and (B) demean their intelligence.

Here lies the problem. When we sexualize women, we’ve also as a society connected that to their intelligence. We say things like “they brought this upon themselves,” for any negative attention that they receive, as well as, unfortunately, things like sexual harassment and assault. The problem isn’t what they’re wearing. We make the problem their intelligence. They should know better. They should have gotten the memo that their body is inherently sexually pejorative back in fourth grade when their principal told them so. (Insert eye roll here) Further, and I can admit my own bias here, on social media we assume that those who post often, and mainly of themselves or their bodies, are self-centered and attention-seeking. Things that are also often stereotypically tied to low intelligence.

This is how I feel about slut shaming.

This sort of shaming and policing behavior in society serves to reinforce traditional gender norms. In my senior honor’s thesis in college, I discuss gender performance in women’s Greek-lettered organizations, and how those organizations often also serve to reinforce traditional views of femininity and “correct” gender performance. Sadly, something that I saw play out with a member of my own organization. A woman who was intelligent, comfortable in and proud of her body, who owned her sexuality was rejected as “inappropriate” and “bad for” the organization.  Point blank, she was slut-shamed, and I struggle with the fact that many cannot see that they policed her gender performance. She’s badass, and it’s their loss.

Continually sexualizing women’s bodies is malicious, and only serves to further bolster the geography of fear that many women experience and maintain current power structures we have in place. But, we also cannot shame those women who do embrace their sexuality. There are infinite expressions of womanhood. No one expression is wrong, and no one expression warrants violence or discrimination. But, women should be given the freedom to determine what that expression is.

If you’re interested in reading about the effects of Slut Shaming, click here!

Slut Shaming

Aren’t shoulders just so sexually suggestive? I mean, I love a good shoulder – they really get me going.

When in the history of ever has anyone said the above? The answer is probably once or twice – to each their own. But the pinnacle of sexual appeal is definitely not shoulders.

So, answer me this: Why, in fourth grade, did the principal take me out of class to tell me that my tank top was “inappropriate?” Mind you, I was also wearing a cardigan over said tank top.

My TEN-year-old mind had far too many questions. But mostly, I was ashamed. Being the nerdy, little goody-two-shoes that I was – I had never gotten in trouble. The principal and I were pals. And for that reason, I also did not question her assertion.

I wasn’t sent home, but I could almost argue that for my self-esteem at that age – that was worse. I sat through class the rest of the day paranoid. Tugging at my sweater to make sure I didn’t have a shoulder slip out. Normally the first person to raise my hand, I held back because I didn’t want to risk jostling my clothing out of place. Really, at that point, I wanted to go home.

The media has been chalk full of stories like this in the past couple of years and the cultural consciousness seems to have progressed to understand that this shaming of young girls is wrong. Yet, we haven’t evolved past the over-sexualization of women’s bodies in general.

Shame on You

My wonderful personal trainer shared on her social media the other day that members of her family had repeatedly confronted her regarding what she posts on her social platforms. They were concerned that she was showing too much of her body. Initially I was furious. First, she is studying within the realm health and human kinetics, and she works as a personal trainer. Secondly, her athletic prowess and her strength is a testament to that success. She should be afforded the space to be proud of her body.

When I came in for a training appointment, she told me more about it. Now to my surprise, her family specifically called out old pictures from parties early in college. Frustrated at this, she said that she was just a, “stupid little sorority girl.” That broke my heart even more. Outside of the slut shaming, the age old double standard surfaced. The shaming by her family is point blank wrong. In fact, they themselves are objectifying and sexualizing her by making such comments.

But, what broke my heart was that she reduced herself to a very harmful stereotype – a “stupid little sorority girl,” to agree that those photos were inappropriate. I hate that that message has been internalized by so many women – including myself at times. But I argue that that is not the case.

Would we make the same judgements about a photo of young men laughing and holding red solo cups? Yes, we might make some. But we wouldn’t (A) sexualize them and (B) demean their intelligence.

Why do we do this?

Here lies the problem. As a society, when we sexualize women, we’ve also connected that to their intelligence. We say things like, “they brought this upon themselves,” for any negative attention that a woman receives, as well as, unfortunately, things like sexual harassment and assault. The problem isn’t what they’re wearing. We make the problem their intelligence. They should know better. They should have gotten the memo that their body is inherently sexually pejorative back in fourth grade when their principal told them so. (Insert eye roll here)

Further, and I can admit my own bias here. On social media we assume that those who post often, and mainly of themselves or their bodies, are self-centered and attention-seeking. Things that are also often stereotypically tied to low intelligence. And this is wrong.

This is how I feel about slut shaming.

This sort of shaming and policing behavior in society reinforces traditional gender norms. In my senior honor’s thesis in college, I discuss gender performance in women’s Greek-lettered organizations, and how those organizations often also serve to reinforce traditional views of femininity and “correct” gender performance. Sadly, something that I watched play out with a member of my own organization. A woman who is intelligent, comfortable in and proud of her body, who owned her sexuality was rejected as, “inappropriate” and, “bad for” the organization.  Point blank, she was slut-shamed. I struggle with the fact that many cannot see that they policed her gender performance. She’s badass, and it’s their loss.

Continually sexualizing women’s bodies is malicious, and only serves to further bolster the geography of fear that many women experience. It also maintains current power structures we have in place. But, on a slightly different note, we cannot shame those women who do embrace their sexuality. There are infinite expressions of womanhood. No one expression is wrong, and no one expression warrants violence or discrimination. But, women should be given the freedom to determine what that expression is.

If you’re interested in reading about the effects of Slut Shaming, click here!

The Effects of Slut Shaming

1 – Isolation

Slut shaming has been identified as a “reputational threat,” or social identity threat, meaning that it directly threatens someone’s character and reputation. This is isolating, and often can separate the person being shamed from those around them. This has been hypothesized as one of the largest contributors to the high rates of self-harming behavior observed in those who have experienced being slut shamed. This isolation can also lead to depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. There are way too many reports of young women who took their own lives after being slut-shamed – particularly online.

2 – Increased Cortisol Levels

Studies about shame have shown that experiencing feelings of low social status lowered an individual’s self-worth as well as increased cortisol levels. Cortisol is the stress hormone. Usually after a perceived threat is over, cortisol levels return to normal. But when they don’t, your health can suffer negative consequences, including, but not limited to: depression, anxiety, digestive issues, headaches, sleep disturbances, weight gain, memory impairment, and heart disease.

3 – Sexism & Rape Culture

Slut shaming can be nuanced, and subtle. As one HuffPost article puts it: “slut-shaming can come in the form of telling girls that they have no self respect if they wear short skirts or low shirts. It can be calling a girl attention-seeking or pathetic for having had several boyfriends, or actively seeking one out. It can be calling a girl desperate or overly-aggressive for “making the first move.”

As I talked about in my post, Body Talk, slut shaming is also a double standard. Many behaviors that women are shamed for, are often applauded in men. (Though men can be slut shamed too!) Because of this – there are very real consequences for women. Many of us begin to self-police our behavior and our social media posts because we have increasingly been given the message that certain imagery is considered inappropriate and unprofessional. Therefore the dominant social norms and pervasive sexism could potential lead to a woman being fired, or not hired, for how she presents herself on social media.

The tie to rape culture should be apparent. Rape culture is blaming the victim of a sexual assault for what happened to them, rather than blaming the perpetrator. Often this is framed to say that the victim did something to provoke the attack. I couldn’t put it better than this HuffPost article:

“Rape culture is when the victims are blamed for “asking for it” by wearing the wrong clothes, being out at night, walking alone, being flirtatious or pretty, or any number of other things. Slut-shaming contributes to the idea that girls who are more flirty or provocative deserve less respect than girls who aren’t, and that leads to the idea that something they did lead to them being raped.”

Sabrina Nelson, High School Journalist <—- you go girl

Where do we go from here?

As something that has such real consequences, it amazes me that more is not being done to combat slut shaming. I am conscious every day of what I’m wearing, how I do my makeup, where I am walking (especially at night), where I am driving, and who is looking at me – because I have been trained to be afraid. I experience the geography of fear day-in and day-out, as do many women. I experience anxiety regarding potential professional and personal consequences I could experience based on what I post on social media. I experience shame about having a body, and for embracing my sexuality. And I experience anger than any of this has to happen to anyone.

A study conducted by Ditch The Label found that 52% of misogynistic tweets over a four year period were penned by other women. And more often than not, slut shaming happens between women. Now besides the tremendous amount of change that we need to bring about in teaching young boys about masculinity – I think that we as women have a huge responsibility. The next time you see another woman on social media and start to judge her based on what she posts, stop yourself. Maybe count in a week, or a day, how many times you do that. And maybe instead, throw her a like or a comment. We need to support each other if we are going to combat such toxic, entrenched behavior.

Shame About Having a Body

1. Isolation

Slut shaming has been identified as a “reputational threat,” or social identity threat.  This means that it directly threatens someone’s character and reputation. Extremely isolating, this shame about having a body often separates people from those around them. And isolation is hypothesized as one of the largest contributors to the high rates of self-harming behavior observed in those who have been slut shamed. This can also lead to depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. There are far too many reports of young women who took their own lives after being slut-shamed (particularly online).

2. Increased Cortisol Levels

Studies about shame have shown that experiencing feelings of low social status lowers an individual’s self-worth and increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is the stress hormone. Usually after a perceived threat is over, cortisol levels return to normal. But when they don’t, your health can suffer negative consequences. This includes, but is not limited to: depression, anxiety, digestive issues, headaches, sleep disturbances, weight gain, memory impairment, and heart disease.

3. Sexism & Rape Culture

Slut shaming can be nuanced, and subtle. As one HuffPost article puts it: “slut-shaming can come in the form of telling girls that they have no self respect if they wear short skirts or low shirts. It can be calling a girl attention-seeking or pathetic for having had several boyfriends, or actively seeking one out. It can be calling a girl desperate or overly-aggressive for “making the first move.”

As I talked about in my post, Slut Shaming, this phenomenon is a double standard. Many behaviors that women are shamed for, warrant applause for men. (Though men can be slut shamed too!) There can be very real consequences for women. Many of us self-police our behavior and our social media posts because we have increasingly received the message that certain imagery is considered inappropriate and unprofessional. Dominant social norms and this pervasive sexism could potentially lead to a woman being fired, or not hired, for how she presents herself on social media.

The tie to rape culture should be apparent. Rape culture is blaming the victim of a sexual assault for what happened to them, rather than blaming the perpetrator. Often this is framed to say that the victim did something to provoke the attack. I couldn’t put it better than this HuffPost article:

“Rape culture is when the victims are blamed for “asking for it” by wearing the wrong clothes, being out at night, walking alone, being flirtatious or pretty, or any number of other things. Slut-shaming contributes to the idea that girls who are more flirty or provocative deserve less respect than girls who aren’t, and that leads to the idea that something they did lead to them being raped.”

Sabrina Nelson, High School Journalist <—- you go girl

So what now?

As something that has such real consequences, it amazes me that more is not being done to combat slut shaming. As a woman, I am conscious every day of what I’m wearing, how I do my makeup, where I am walking (especially at night), where I am driving, and who is looking at me. I have been trained to be afraid.

I experience the geography of fear day-in and day-out, as do many women. And often feel anxiety regarding potential professional and personal consequences I could encounter based on what I post on social media. I struggle with shame about having a body, and for embracing my sexuality. And I experience anger that any of this has to happen to anyone.

A study conducted by Ditch The Label found that 52% of misogynistic tweets over a four year period were penned by other women. And more often than not, slut shaming happens between women. There needs to be a tremendous amount of change in how we teach young boys about masculinity. But, I also think that we as women have a huge responsibility.

The next time you see another woman on social media and start to judge her based on what she posts, stop yourself. Maybe count in a week, or a day, how many times you do that. And maybe instead, throw her a like or a comment. We need to support each other if we are going to combat such toxic, entrenched behavior.

Be Bossy

boss·y¹, adjective. Fond of giving people orders; domineering. “She was headlong, bossy, scared of nobody, and full of vinegar.” Synonyms: pushy, overhearing, imperious, officious, high-handed, authoritarian, dictatorial, controlling; high and mighty. “we’re hiding from his bossy sister.” Antonyms: submissive.”

This is the result when the word “bossy” is googled. Notice anything about the examples? What about the antonym? I heard this more than once as a kid. But I didn’t notice that when a boy asserted himself, he was called a “leader.” 

I was a bit of an odd kid. In a blog post for the Columbus women’s group, Creative Babes, I told the following story: 

“Well, I was pretty ambitious. And I honestly don’t know where I even learned what it was or what it meant, but I would tell people that I wanted to be a CEO. I actually used to make PowerPoint presentations for fun, and kept school papers in file folders. My favorite make-believe game was pretending that I was the owner and editor of my own magazine, and my two younger cousins were my assistants. (I promise I have a very horizontal approach to leadership now.)  But it wasn’t all make-believe. I actually created, “Diana’s Magazine,” where I sold services like car-washes and cleaning dishes, wrote poems, and promoted upcoming “shows” that I would put on for my family.”

Creative Babes, Meet Diana Muzina

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Where did calling little girls bossy even come from? Little Miss Bossy by Roger Hargreaves was published in 1981. In it, Little Miss Bossy tells everyone what to do, until Wilfred the Wizard casts a spell on her, and she “learns her lesson.”But the pejorative use of “bossy” definitely existed before perms and neon leg-warmers. 

What bossy is about, is tied to sociopolitical issues of social hierarchy; specifically, power. Power that is often associated with high status. And, because of privilege, white men hold the majority of power and status. This is tied to a concept called hegemonic masculinity, or, standards against which all men are judged. In our world, hegemonic masculinity involves largely being white, middle class, young, and heterosexual. Those that do not have all of those things, have different access to opportunities – different access to power. And as women, we are automatically precluded from that access. Due to the fact that manhood is measured in this way, most of men’s lives are spent avoiding emasculation. The theory of hegemonic masculinity says that “women, men or color, working-class men, and gay men are the groups against which men act out their definitions of manhood – the other, “nonmen,”against whom their masculinity is defined.” (Questioning Gender, Robyn Ryle)

Gender roles are ascribed to us even before we’re born. Think of all the “gender reveal,”parties that have been trending. Pink for girls, and blue for boys. Frilly outfits for female babies, and building blocks for the males. In a study conducted by Seavey et al. in 1975, participants were prompted to describe the same exact infant using adjectives. Groups were told that the infant was either a girl, a boy, or without gender. The labeling of gender led to a stark contrast in perceived differences between the children. The perceived boy was described as strong, while the perceived girl was described as soft. (Yearbook of Physical Anthropology, Stephanie L. Meredith)

What countless research has shown is that when you violate your attributed gender role and step outside of your gender transgression zone you will be considered taboo, unnatural, or abnormal. This gender polarization is used to reinforce traditional gender roles – and describes “the ways in which behaviors and attitudes that are viewed as appropriate for men are viewed as inappropriate for women, and vice versa.” (Questioning Gender, Robyn Ryle)

Hence, when a little girl takes charge and exhibits strong, powerful behavior she is called bossy. 

Now, I just fell into a bit of an academic black hole, as there are countless gender and power theories to explore. But what I really want to assert is the effects that being called “bossy,”can affect. 

I had been an outspoken, gung-ho little leader, but quickly turned to bottling emotions, opinions, and my perspectives because I didn’t want to come off as bossy. I would raise my hand in class, but made sure to not be the first hand to raise. Further, I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t say anything to being made fun of for my crooked teeth in third-grade, and I didn’t say anything when I was eighteen, won the popular vote for student class president, but was told that the school needed to “see a boy”in a leadership position. (Ironically, my senior superlative was “most likely to be president.” Good one, guys!)

I was told bossy was a bad thing. But if I had continued to be bossy, maybe I would have righted some wrongs, or obtained some of the opportunities I deserved. 

In the Creative Babes blog post, I went on to say the following:

“Now it didn’t end there. I made the tickets and the environmental branding to go along with it. A couple weeks ago I was telling my older sister about this project, and we started reminiscing. She told me that I always had a business plan, “I would want the glam experience of selling lemonade, and you would ask me what our ‘target audience,’ was.” Yeah, I was weird. I definitely got that I was bossy, but now I proudly boast a “girl boss,” placard at my desk at work and recognize that was just something people say to little girls who are strong leaders.”

Creative Babes, Meet Diana Muzina

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There has been so much talk of not calling little girls bossy anymore. But what I think we really need to do, is change the connotation. What we really need to do is push the boundaries of that gender transgression zone. What we really need to do is make it okay for women to be and be seen as, powerful. We need to Be Bossy.